The first thing the shaman told me to do was to close my eyes and go into a very quiet meditative state. Then she started by having me enter a dream I had the night before.

I am a young one skating with two older women. The overweight one decides to lie down on the ice, while the other one hands me what I felt to be an ugly-making cap.

I felt that they violently disliked me. All I could do was be as nice as I could to them to try to get them to change their minds.

As soon as I took the cap I fell through a hole in the ice, finding myself rushing helplessly down, still holding onto the cap.

I decided I had better release the cap! Would slow my incredible downward plunge? No! I fought to get air into my lungs. Somehow I managed to infuse some inner kind of air. Maybe I should remove my skates? Were they the cause? I desperately needed more air. I took a deep breath... and found myself awake in my bedroom!

I asked myself what this meant. The dream exposed a deeply implanted core belief in the life-threatening jealousy and hatred of others towards me, no matter what I did. I would always be unwanted. People just wanted to blow out my candle. I wanted to blow it out as well. How could I feel safe being myself? How can I shine my creative light in the world? What is still causing this threatening, loveless feeling?

I can see how I allow such mean-spirited people into my space. I dove into last night's shovelling adventure with the neighbours. One lady kept pushing me to do more. She wanted her car closer to the roadside. I knew it was already close enough. She insisted it wasn't. I gave in and noticed how little she helped. I went ahead anyway, just wanting to get it over with. I worked myself into exhaustion. Is this what martyrdom is? There was such pain in my heart. I didn't know how to say, no.

My guide asked me what kind of symbol might best represent a powerful protective mechanism for me. Eventually I saw a Christmas tree heavily covered in snow. Then I was guided to ask it if it would agree to release me from my need for its complete child-care protection. I sat and breathed until I felt a feeling of consent. As I continued to breathe deeply, the tree turned green with a wonderful pine aroma.

We both established a new replacement protection device that looked like a clear bright crystal sphere encircling my body. Then we put it to the test. I visualized the shoveling neighbour woman and reported the immediate "reading" as a hovering dark cloud around the lady. With this successful warning system in place I can practice either avoiding these dark clouds altogether or give myself permission, for example, to say a resolved "no" in their presence. Life-threatening conflict once fearfully anticipated no longer has to be a reality.

She guided me deep into my heart-ache with deep breaths. As I inhaled, I was to tell myself there is a new energy, an new intention entering: I no longer need to...(can't remember this part) sell myself out? Give it all away? Separate myself from all forms of love? (something like that). On the out breath, I carried out layers of the ache and old belief systems onward and outward....feeling a sense of softening relief.

I think this might work. Time will tell. I'm currently working on oil portraits of Oprah and Eckhart Tolle.

Alas ! been tag by humming bird.
friends forth your glance forward, roll down your prying eyes meditatively upon my useless squirks inscribed by me with feeling of disgust since I was oblige to summed up because sweetly notorious dear friend humming bird tagged me.
hold your breath, cuddle yourself with chair tightly and follow me ,

I reach for food for "needy" reasons...not because I'm hungry.
  
sometimes wasting, and wandering time away.

I think too much...causing anxiety at times

Easily swept out of my power by powerful people...but working on presence!

Feel hasty and rushed for no apparent reason at times.

Move into relationships before I really know if I truly like the guy or not.

Here are the rules ,

1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.

TIP - Please don't tag people who've already been tagged. Play mindfully.

Be alert , I am tagging..............................  see below ,

farland
dawn
victoria
kelly
satya
clesky

If you wish to have a glimpse upon my other tags, please follow links
seven weird things
proust questionnaire

Self love stuff that get me down subconsciously....maybe that is why I attract into and out of my life love-deprived people.  This relationship thing is such a riddle! Does it stem from a broken down view of self worth? like lovelessnes disease. How I internally treat myself in relation to how I allow or need others to get close and to treat me...a subconscious parallel. Initially the love is wonderful like a aromatic addictive bouquet of roses but as soon as a commitment occurs the blind monsters appear...I resisted seeing it until a certain level of presence kicks in...or when mental or physical survival was threatened. Both unwell partners became the others appendage. Thus reflecting the inner self relationship with self, the loved one. How do our monsters devour the other? How do we devour ourselves....same? can we address it? May we go deep and heal the selfworth heart issues? and free ourselves of the causal and habit forming old beliefs?

This lack of inner self love causing codependence... being needful of anothers nourishing kindness..can we not sit like a lone hermit who has cleaned out his issues of the heart and established a constant access to the non-lonely causing love-energy earth-connection on the top of a windy mountain.   Once fully hatched like a butterfly do we still have need to share unconditional love?

How do we get so self obsessed...why we worry how the world sees us and then resist the freeing drawing out of ourselves. Can we climb out of the bucket and see the world through a nice clean lense...instead of a filter that has been issuing thick layers around the heart like tree rings!

Maybe "pest" animals are really mimiking our variable pocket communities of insane, disrespectful, unconscious issues of the heart.  Oh I hope we can wake up and smell the roses of true love before its too late!  As the Dalai Lhama would say. Lets take our small love bubble surrounding what we own and expand it to a bigger encompassing hug around the great earth and beyond! Lets be citizens of the Earth!

I am a diehard who refuses to let go of hopes love-line which seems to drag one thru the fiery valleys of loves life lessons. Can I accurately and courageously master?

I am learning about earths availablility of healing earth energy that lovingly surrounds us.   When I tap into this while in a state of deep breathing meditation, I feel like a clear springwater conduit. So much fun! its like immersing into a joyous pool of warm and bubbly perrier water. A deep spring of pure clean white water swelling up from far deep within the earth or flowing down from the highest heights of heaven sparkling through me...practising my hands... over the surrendered deep breathing person.  There's a catch tho....if I start doing active thinking or trying to push the water up stream... I lose all flow...it dies out.  As soon as I get out of the way...i find myself "here" internally saying "thy will be done" or "love love love", the flow returns... yippie!  Can this be a way of clearing our issues of the heart?...by giving freely some healing? What is in the way!?  Layers of the cobweb, the angry...grieving childhood conclusion tissue buried beliefs, the causers of lovelessnes disease! 

Whenever I do work that integrates my inborn energetic artistic talent...I feel like an antigravity crystal...I want to do it over and over again!

Issues of the heart, cobwebs, self-worth belief systems, ....if only to locate and release these obstacles .....the chains that bind me....away from the garden of eden!